M. Night Shyamalan is Now Writing for 10 Downing Street

by Scott Creighton

You can’t make this up. Daniel Sandford in online defending his tweet from this morning in which he is reporting on a story out of #10 Downing that ONLY THE RUSSIANS have the “technical means and operational experience” to smear some buttery substance on a doorknob.

It’s beyond stupid. It’s turning stupid into an art-form. Kinda like…

Now I know you’re thinking “Scott… that’s just silly. No one would say that or then Tweet it with a straight face and DEFEND the stupidity online” and normally, I would agree… but alas poor Yorick. I knew him Horatio. He used to have half a brain… but now…

You think the Bard is rolling in his grave? And this is what they call “intelligence” in Britain?

Here’s my version of a modernized and extremely shortened A Midsummer’s Night’s Dream. Hope you enjoy it.

ACT ONE:

M. Night: Ok. Here’s the thing.

producer: ok.

M. Night: They can’t work doorknobs.

producer: they crossed the universe. make crop signs without leaving a trace. abduct rednecks and lonely women for late night probing parties… but they can’t use doorknobs.

M. Night: yeah… uh… and… uh… their weakness is water… and she said “swing away”

producer: they came all this way to take over a planet that is about 70% of their deadly weakness, where it rains all the time…

M. Night: yeah

producer: and a ghost needs to tell a guy to hit an alien perv with a bat as he’s about to bad-touch his kid?

M. Night: now you got it.

producer: well, ok then

ACT TWO:

Mark Sedwell: We are deep up the Thames

M. Night: What ya need?

Mark Sedwell: We got no ending for this Skripal episode thing. What ya got mate?

M. Night: Well, bloke… got it!

Mark Sedwell: Hit me Chappie!

M. Night: See how this grabs your mashers! Ok… here it is… ONLY RUSSIA HAS THE TECHNOLOGY TO SMEAR BUTTER ON DOORKNOBS!! huh! huh!

Mark Sedwell: Who the fuck let him in here? Who the fuck let him in here?!? Didn’t you see that SIGNS shit!! Get the fuck out!

M. Night: You should let it sink in for a second. It’s good. Think of it as irony

Mark Sedwell: All you’re doin is retooling that stupid shit with the aliens and doorknobs from SIGNS you fucking twit! Get out before I have someone smear some Novichok on you… not that WE have any… mind you. I mean… I didn’t say that.

Theresa May: Now just hold on ONE SECOND! I think he might be onto something. Didn’t you see The Village? He’s a genius. I say we run with it.

Mark Sedwell: What?!? Oh all right. Someone call that Danny Sandford idiot. We can get him to sell it. He’ll sell anything for a pint and a hooker. Someone wake up Shyamalan and get him out of here.

CURTAIN

Frankly I think I’m winning an Oscar for that one. Shit, if the White Helmets can get one, anyone can.

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