Trump Driven Out of Cuba… by Horny Crickets ಠ_ಠ

by Scott Creighton

You know someone wants to kill the Cuban reset deal when they let their State Department flee from noisy insects.

The great warrior president who “defeated ISIS” and threatens to rain fire down on the people of North Korea pulled his staff out of Cuba… because of some crickets they heard at night.

I guess the ALPHA 66 boys needed some coddling.

The CNN story reads like a comedy routine. A stand up monologue of a nightly news-round up show.

“President Donald Trump said Monday that he does “believe Cuba is responsible” for the mysterious attacks that sickened at least 22 US diplomats and family members in Havana.

“I do believe Cuba’s responsible, I do believe that,” Trump said in the Rose Garden.

Investigators continue to examine the circumstances surrounding as many as 50 attacks that may have involved the use of an acoustic device, a US official has told CNN. The device was so sophisticated, it was outside the range of audible sound, the official said. And it was so damaging, the source said, that one US diplomat now needs to use a hearing aid.

Three US officials told CNN that the device was deployed either inside or outside the residences of US diplomats living in Havana. For months, starting late last year, US diplomats in Havana complained of incidents, often late at night in their homes or hotel rooms, that left them feeling ill — often plagued by a sudden wave of nausea, dizziness and headaches accompanied by strange sounds compared to loud insects or metal dragging across the floor” CNN

If it was so sophisticated it was “outside the range of audible sound”… how did they know it sounded like “loud insects” I wonder.

ಠ_ಠ

The Associated Press reported on these “dangerous sounds” as well:

It sounds sort of like a mass of crickets. A high-pitched whine, but from what? It seems to undulate, even writhe. Listen closely: There are multiple, distinct tones that sound to some like they’re colliding in a nails-on-the-chalkboard effect.

The Associated Press has obtained a recording of what some U.S. Embassy workers heard in Havana in a series of unnerving incidents later deemed to be deliberate attacks. The recording, released Thursday by the AP, is the first disseminated publicly of the many taken in Cuba of mysterious sounds that led investigators initially to suspect a sonic weapon.

The recordings themselves are not believed to be dangerous to those who listen. Sound experts and physicians say they know of no sound that can cause physical damage when played for short durations at normal levels through standard equipment like a cellphone or computer.

What device produced the original sound remains unknown. AP

Would you like to see a picture of the mysterious secret sonic weapon device the dreaded socialists in Cuba used against our neoliberal embassy staff in Havana? I can show you because I secretly planned the attack along with the ghosts of Elvis and Castro.

Behold. The Cuban Ground Cricket.

“Questions also continue to swirl around the Cuban government’s involvement in the attacks, given that experts say the country likely lacks the scientific expertise to launch such a sophisticated operation

A US official has told CNN that they are investigating whether a third country was involved as “payback” for actions the US has taken elsewhere and to “drive a wedge between the US and Cuba.” CNN

Right. It must have been the Russians who installed those dreaded devices in Cuba a couple thousand years ago knowing full well they would eventually need them as “payback” for the US letting them defeat their proxy terrorists in Syria or something like that… senseless drivel… stuff… yeah.

Or maybe it was “ISIS”… they’re behind everything now. Didn’t Rita Katz say they took credit for it? You can trust Rita Katz… right?

In retaliation for this dastardly attack, Trump decided to pull staff out of our embassy in Havana and then to kick an equal number of Cuban officials out of the U.S.

“Earlier this month, the US expelled 15 Cuban diplomats to match staff reductions at the US Embassy in Havana after the US ordered home non-essential diplomats and families following the mysterious attacks.” CNN

Here is a recording of the weaponized noise that is “outside the range of audible sound”. Obviously it isn’t.

And here, ladies and gentlemen, I present to you, the Commie Cuban Ground Cricket (go HERE to listen to the song of the Commie Cuban Ground Cricket. I promise it wont turn you into a dreaded SoooOooooOoocialist!)

Song: A variably long, high-pitched trill that starts out softly and quickly becomes louder. Each song can last from 5 to well over 30 seconds. Within the trill, chirps are given at roughly 42 pulses per second at a frequency of 7kHz. Cuban Ground Crickets can be heard both day and night.

Since I can’t find a Youtube video of the Commie Cuban Ground Cricket and since I’m too LAME to know how to post an audio track on Word Press… here is a recording of a singing male Forbes’ Tree Cricket which sounds very similar… just not quite as high pitched.

Yep.

Uh huh.

We just lost Cuba… to a couple dozen horny insects.

We are literally paying Havana’s State Department staff injury pay because of some crickets they heard at night, outside their homes. Are we paying them for counseling as well? I certainly hope so.

Did we give them purple heart medals? I really hope we did.

This whole thing kicked off in Feb. of 2017 right as the Trumpster took office. Gee, it’s almost as if they were LOOKING for an excuse to scrub that Cuban reset plan… huh? I mean, if I were of a conspiracy theorist mindset, I might think someone WANTED to find a reason to kill that deal, right?

But thank goodness I don’t think that way.

No… I just think America is dumb as shit and being run by complete morons who just fled a country because they couldn’t figure out what the crickets sounded like at night over there.

I mean they could have simply ASKED SOMEBODY… but you know, they’re all lying SooOOOooOoooocialists down there and they all work for Putin and have been radicalized by ISIS… so you can’t trust em, can you?

No.

Trump just got routed out of a nation by horny insects.

That’s my story and I’m sticking with it.

It’s a beautiful world ain’t it?

9 Responses

  1. LOL thanks for the laugh !

  2. Sounds eerily similar to the Russian microwave beaming at the us embassy in Moscow.

  3. Speaking “out of character” for a moment, this entire episode provides very rich material for cartoons and satires: the representatives of the greatest military power terrorized by crickets…. Too bad we don’t have anyone in the MSM who would dare to have fun with it.

  4. Maybe you could hire yourself as a “creative consultant” to Monty Python, and receive decent money as credit for a sketch about these evil crickets with the power to chill the blood of diplomats from a military superpower. Or maybe you should move to Japan, and write/draw a manga for Shonen Jump about those commie crickets plotting a Dark Knight Rises-style plot against honourable human capitalists, with SUPERPOWERS.

  5. Dang. All Cuba ever had to do was click it’s heels?
    El Presidente Raul : “Liberen a los grillos!”

  6. I don’t think it’s funny. I think they were experimenting with voice to skull. Research,

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