Matthew and the Tree of Shame May Conspire Against this American Everyman

by Scott Creighton

UPDATE: Matthew decided to track a little to the east and over here on the left coast of Florida, all we got was a little rain and a gust or two, but nothing big. The Tree of Shame stands tall and proud as I am still online and enjoying the finer things in life like electricity and the interwebs. Oh joy.

Turns out the prognostications about roving gangs of zombie Zika babies were premature. It was a premie. Haha. Sorry. I’m kind of upset about that. I was looking forward to seeing them attack all the over-dramatic weathermen standing out in the rain hoping for doomsday. Ah… maybe next year.

Hi folks.

I’m sitting down here in Tampa on the west coast of Florida waiting for Hurricane Matthew watching the Tree of Shame as it sways, suspended on a guide wire strung betwixt two telephone poles wondering about how dark my weekend will be.


It is the Tree of Shame because over the past 5 months my landlord and I have been doing everything we can to get TECO and the city to remove it before it comes crashing down on some unsuspecting motorist or school bus and they have each sent out big trucks made for such tasks and both have taken a look at it and said “yes, it’s dangerous, but it’s THEIR problem and not ours”

And off they went in silence and shame.

So here I sit, waiting on Matthew’s visit pondering the near future, one without lights, power, refrigeration and all the pleasantries of modern civilization that I really don’t enjoy but have come to depend on. Yes. I am weak. Were the zombie apocalypse to hit tomorrow, I would be a BRAINS! donor in a matter of hours and I am not ashamed to admit it.

Why is it that zombies used to walk real slow and only eat BRAINS! but now they run around, use guns and eat cats and dogs as well as legs and guts? Are they evolving? Scary thought.

Anyway, just thought I would let you guys know, even though Matthew is headed for the other side of the state, residual gusts hitting Tampa over the next few days may indeed render me an unperson as far as the interwebs are concerned for a little while. If that happens I will make off for a (God I can’t believe I am saying this) Starbucks (oh God I feel sick) and wire in the laptop for an update for you guys.

But fear not. Unless Matthew blows in a few million zombies or ZIKA BABY ZOMBIES (oh dead God how horrible would THAT be?) along with him, I will be here and writing and doing what I can to get by. May be gone for a day or so, but I have not been suicided or renditioned so relax. Not yet anyway. Today’s article on Israel might change that though. 😦

p.s. if anyone takes my ZIKA BABY ZOMBIES idea and makes a bad horror movie out of it, I want a part in the movie. Preferably that of some random guy screaming “It HURTS! It HURTS!” while being eaten by a couple dozen zombified Zika babies. That would be awesome.

p.p.s. No Zika babies were injured during the writing of this article.

3 Responses

  1. We have a tree like that on our street. Not sure when it’ll topple, but knowing it will at some point. Sorry for the vehicle or persons in that path. Thoughts are with you as Matthew comes ashore. I am sure we will get some rain in St. Louis eventually from it.

  2. Change the name. Put an engraved plaque on it declaring it the “Peace And Freedom Tree” the authorities will come chop it down in a heartbeat.

  3. Zika babies only eat registered voters. (Pass it on)

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: